Use Once & Destroy
by LoserDust12
Summary: How far can one go for the one they love? Samantha Lovelace has gone as far as she can. She was just like any other girl until she met the reclusive, reckless Nikki Sixx at a party. Needless to say, she fell madly in love with him. Since then, she had been thrown into a world of drugs, prostitution and desperation. Can Sam and Nikki live through all this, or will it break them?
1. CAN'T TAKE THE GUTTER FROM THE GIRL

CHAPTER 1: CAN'T TAKE THE GUTTER FROM THE GIRL

PROLOGUE

I was bent over, my face buried in the gravel. My body radiating pain. My self-respect diminished.

How many times had I played with fate?

I faded in and out of consciousness, wondering if I had finally gotten what I deserved.

Six Months Earlier:

When I was younger, I wanted to be a ballerina. It was mostly for my mother's benefit because she wanted to be one when she was younger. Nevertheless, I was eager to please her.

I imagined myself long-legged and graceful, revolving beautifully on a giant stage. My twirls would have been flawless. I would have looked like a swan. And my performance would have earned me a standing ovation.

When I was younger, I thought I would be wearing ballet slippers, not monstrous red high heels on the streets of the Sunset Strip.

I wasn't used to these heels. They were tall and strappy and squeezed my pinky toes until they blistered and the blisters popped and the disgusting liquid inside squished underneath the balls of my feet. But Eric needed me to wear them for his sales.

No, better yet, I needed to wear them for my sales. I needed to do this for me and for the only person I've ever loved. We were both getting dope sick.

I limped. I stumbled. I slipped in a rain puddle and almost fell over, grabbing onto a light pole for support. Two years of prostituting and I still couldn't walk in a pair of heels.

Pathetic.

"Amber! You 'kay baby?" My fellow co-worker Laurie called me by my street name from the inside of an alleyway. She was taking a smoke break, which wasn't approved by Eric on most occasions, but I would never rat her out.

Laurie's wild brown curls were a mess in the rain, submitting to the moisture and causing her mass of hair to frizz. She told me men liked it, but I couldn't say the same for myself. My hair was stringy and straight. Eric made me curl it, but it usually fell in the next hour. The rain most certainly wasn't helping.

"I'm okay!" I yelled back, straining to speak over the roar of the storm. I needed a customer quick. I was getting soaked and cranky and sore and I needed my smack.

I pushed off of the light pole so I was fully balanced again and began to walk, swishing my non-existent hips back and forth. I paced down the sidewalk of the Rainbow Bar & Grill restaurant and the Seventh Vail strip bar, passing a few other buildings along the way, before pivoting and walking back. An old, beat up mustang pulled up beside me and the window rolled down.

I stepped up to the window, poking my head in and grinning sweetly.

"Can I help you?" I asked, all the while inspecting his appearance and attire for any signals of being a police officer.

He had a beard and was pretty good-looking. He wore nice clothes too, but I obviously couldn't indicate whether he was a police or not by those attributes.

My stomach tightened at the thought of the risk, but by the look in his eyes, he didn't look like he caught me, he just looked horny.

"How old are you?" The man asked me, his eyes running over my body suspiciously as he smoked a cigarette.

"Twenty-one," I lied, my gaze on him unwavering.

I was twenty-three, but all the costumers liked young girls.

He nodded and smiled, staring at my chest. I wore a push-up bra and a tight fitting tank to create the illusion of bigger breasts. I already had a good rack, but there was girls with much bigger.

"How much are you?" He asked me, his gaze flitting back up to my eyes.

I closed and opened my eyes slowly, trying to look at him as sexily as I could, when I actually just felt sick.

From my disgust. From my withdrawal.

"Depends on what you want," I said.

He was thinking.

"Do you want to be fucked?" I asked, my stomach flopping when I heard the words leave my mouth.

He grinned, blowing the smoke out from between his lips. "How much money?"

"Eighty-five," I said. "May I come in?"

He unlocked the door and I climbed into the passenger seat. He trailed a finger down the side of my arm and I tried hard not to go rigid or punch him in the face.

The man said, "Let's move somewhere else," and drove into a parking lot closer to the alleyway where it would be harder for us to be seen.

He put his car in park, flicked his cigarette out the window and turned to me. "Where were we?" He said, holding my hair between his fingertips.

I smiled at him and said as sweetly as I could, "Gotta pay first, baby."

He froze. Then, frowning, he dug into his pocket, pulled out a wallet and handed me my money.

"Thank you," I said, pushing the wad of money into my skirt pocket.

My stomach turned as it always did when I let customers touch me in ways I wished only Nikki, my boyfriend, had.

I sometimes pretended that I was with him instead, but I knew that couldn't be. He would never touch me roughly like they did.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

Think of Nikki. Think of your next high.

I could smell the slight vinegary smell of the smack now. The transcendence once I hit it. The happy.

"That was great," the customer said once it was over, pushing his shirt back into his pants.

I agreed almost inaudibly, pulling my underwear back on from where it had been thrown on the dashboard.

Without another word, I stepped out of the car and waited for him to drive off before kneeling into the street and vomiting. When I was high, it didn't usually bother me as much. Smack took care of my emotions for me. However tonight, I was withdrawing, so it was a different story entirely.

I held my stomach as I was sick over and over again. Then I watched as the vomit washed into a gutter nearby, trying to gather my bearings. Someone came up behind me.

I whirled around and was relieved that it was only Laurie.

"Oh, honey, it's been two years and you still get sick?" She reached down, rubbing my back.

I wiped at where my makeup had run under my eyes. "I know, I guess it's just that I haven't had anything for days. Neither has Nikki."

Laurie looked at me with pity. "No, I mean after every time you have sex with a customer babe."

"I don't know," I mumbled.

"Come on, let's take you to Eric."


	2. AND THE SKY WAS MADE OF AMETHYST

CHAPTER 2: AND THE SKY WAS MADE OF AMETHYST

I was still clutching my stomach in the car on the way up there. My cheek was pressed against the seat belt beside me as I faded in and out of sleep. My eyelids kept fluttering as I tried to keep them open. I was shivering.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Laurie asked me from the driver's seat.

"Yeah," I mumbled and left it at that.

"Was it something the guy did? He didn't do anything weird, did he?" She asked me, her face concerned as she turned the steering wheel. I shook my head but realized she couldn't see that because it was 3:00 in the morning, so I also said, "No."

She was silent for a minute or two before asking me, "You're withdrawing pretty badly aren't you?"

"Yeah. Nikki's worse off though.  
He can't even get off the couch," I said and grimaced at the thought of him being so crippled and shivering with fever.

"Gosh, I'm sorry," Laurie said sincerely. "Well, I'm sure Eric probably has something for you."

"Let's hope so," I replied and shuddered at the thought of him not having anything. I would die. Maybe literally.

"We're here," Laurie said as we pulled into the parking lot. She helped me out of the car and I was grateful that the apartment had elevators.

"I'll wait down here," Laurie said on the first floor before I walked into the elevator. Once I got up there, I knocked on the door twice before he answered.

Eric was drunk.

"How did you do today?" Eric asked me from inside of his dim-lightened apartment. He pulled up a chair and sat down in the center of the living room.

I took a seat on the leather couch, flipping through the money I'd earned that day.

"Three-hundred-thirty," I said and handed him the bills.

"Half," he said and divided them. He handed me my half and asked if I needed anything else.

"Yeah," I said. "Please tell me you have some smack."

Eric sighed and scratched the top of his curly-haired head. "Yeah, actually I do. You're getting pretty addicted, aren't you?"

I shrugged and he laughed. His laugh was always sort of bitter sounding.  
Eric got up from the chair and disappeared into his hallway. I looked around the room while I waited, staring in subdued disgust at the empty beer cans scattered across the stained carpet.

I would help him out and clean things up for him, but I was too busy avoiding his advances towards me every time I came here. Every woman he had in his business has slept with him on at least one occasion, except for me. The girls thought I was crazy for not taking up on his offer because he was good-looking and everything, but I didn't trust Eric on my life. Eric and I both knew that he only wanted me because he couldn't have me. It didn't stop him though.

I squirmed in the chair at the thought and began to pick at a rip in my jeans. Please hurry so I can get out of here.

Eric stumbled back in the room, obviously very inebriated, and tossed me the plastic bag of smack.

I caught it and looked it over for a moment, feeling the texture of the dark brown grit inside. Perfect.

"And I guess since you've been working a lot...you can have a day off or something tomorrow," Eric said in strangled voice like it hurt to say the words. He probably wouldn't have said that if he were sober.

I needed to leave before he changed his mind.

"Thank you so much, I really appreciate it." I got up from the couch and hurried towards the door, not quite looking at him in the face as I spoke to him.

His hand was on the door when I tried to open it and I whirled around in a slight panic.

His face was just inches from mine. I could smell the beer on his breath and I could feel the heat radiating off of his body he was so close.

"Anything for my special girl," he said and ducked down to kiss my neck. I sucked in a breath when I felt his warm, wet lips opening on my flesh. In full panic-mode, I groped for the doorknob.

"Well, your special girl's got to go now." I said, my voice high pitched. I gripped the doorknob and turned, but Eric's hand clamped over mine.

"Not yet. Please," Eric said, his lips on my cheek now, inching closer to my gasping mouth.

"I h-have a boyfriend," I said.

"I know," Eric whispered.

His lips closed over mine before saying, "But I don't care."

God, what am I going to do? Think!

Eric moved his hand over my tank top, releasing one of my breast and teasing it with his fingers.

I kneed him in the groin and watched him crumple to the floor. He cursed and clutched between his legs, calling me names.

He won't remember this tomorrow anyway, I thought.

I rushed out the apartment door and stood in the hallway for a moment to catch my almost hyperventilating breath.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around. There was a boy in maybe his late teens standing there, staring at me.

"May I help you?" I spluttered.

The boy grinned. "Um, your tit is hanging out of your shirt."

Once I got to the first floor, I was sprinting across the lobby.

The bag of smack was shoved into my leather jacket pocket, begging me to take a hit but I wanted to wait for Nikki.

"Whoa, what's wrong?" Laurie asked me. She was leaning against the front desk, talking to the guy behind it when I approached her. Then she followed me out of the revolving doors.

"Nothing, Eric's just being a huge dick. Like always," I told her once we were in the parking lot. My voice was shaking.

Laurie handed me a cigarette and a lighter from her jean pocket. I gratefully took it. I lit up, noticing my hands were shaking as well.

"Oh God, what'd he do?" She asked, watching me take a drag of my cigarette.

I puckered my lips, producing little smoke rings, and said, "He kissed me and...other stuff."

Laurie raised her eyebrows. "He's definitely gone too far this time."

She pushed the button on her car keys to unlock the door and we both climbed inside. After she pulled out I said, "Sometimes I wish I could lie and tell him in a hermaphrodite. Maybe that'll make him back off."

Laurie laughed. "That's definately a no-no. You would never really do that would you?"

I sucked once more on my cigarette before tossing it out the window of our moving car. "Course not."

Laurie grinned before nudging me in the elbow. "Are you excited to shoot up and see Nikki?"

At the mention of that, I couldn't stop smiling. "God yes."

"Good." she said, then sighed. "I've never seen anything like you two."

I smiled. "I know it."


	3. ALL THE DRUGS

CHAPTER 3: ALL THE DRUGS

I quietly opened the mansion door to see Nikki curled up on our red, satin couch. His bones were hurting him. Mine were hurting me too.

I met Nikki at a party two years ago. There, we bonded. Ever since then, we spent every waking moment together. Except for when I was working or he was working.

My day job killed Nikki.

A couple of weeks after the party, Eric came over to give us our drugs and put the moves on me when Nikki left the house. When Nikki came back, he saw Eric practically throwing himself at me and got in a huge fight with him. I could still remember them rolling around on the floor, beating the hell out of each other. I could remember punching Eric on the back, trying to get them to stop, but they just ignored me.

Needless to say, our drug supply was ultimately gone after that. I was surprised he didn't shoot us, but that was only because Nikki and Eric were friends before the party.

Nikki was of course the bassist for Mötley Crüe and I was the singer and guitarist for my own band, The Nosebleeds. Although, unlike Nikki's band, my band was still playing the clubs. For now.

But anyway, sick, I went to Eric's to beg him to re-administer our supply, but he refused unless I worked for him. Out of desperation, I agreed.

For two years since then, I've been a prostitute.

Nikki didn't know for a while. I would lie to him and say I was going to parties with Laurie, or playing a concert that night. Then he would see the bruises scattered on my skin. Smell the scent of other men.

The night he found out, he was hurt and livid.

He left me.

I bothered his friends to let me talk to him and, sick of me calling non-stop, they handed him the phone. I was in hysterics, begging him to come back. He made me swear not to do it anymore and he would.

And I swore.

Nikki came back as we were both going through withdrawal. It was the worst pain, but it hurt more to see him that way.

I found myself sneaking out because I couldn't take it. I couldn't take the withdrawals. It was just too much.

Now, Nikki knew I was lying. He knew what I was doing.

It became a sick game.

When he was withdrawing and aware, it was bad.

Sometimes I would leave when he was asleep so he couldn't stop me. Sometimes he would try his hardest to stay awake just so he could prevent me from leaving. Sometimes he got so upset about it he would shut me in rooms to keep me from going. He didn't want to call the cops because he didn't want me to be taken away, but sometimes, he didn't even care about that. He's tried to call until we were both wrestling on the floor for the phone. Once, I threw it out the window just to keep him from calling.

Yes, sometimes he got very upset. Other times, he was so fucked up from the drugs or withdrawals they kept him from saying anything at all. He had been on the drugs longer than me. Not much longer, maybe a month, but it was enough. They took away his worries to the point of where he forgot what time of the day it was, where he was, and what was going on with me. Unfortunately, those were the good days.

This cycle had been going on for years, but I knew that night would not be the night to argue.

Nikki turned over on the couch, his eyebrows creased with frustration in his sleep. He did this often. Sometimes he even talked in his sleep. It was pretty entertaining and exposed a lot of secrets. Other times he just talked about his work frustrations rather unintelligibly.

I turned to drop the bag on the side-table and he woke up. Adam's face was my favorite thing to look at. My favorite thing to picture when we weren't together.

His eyes, a light green, held so many secrets. He was the most cryptic guy I'd ever met. And the most fascinating. It was hard for me to get him to open up at times. He has the same problem with me though.

Nikki stared at me for a moment, his black hair was a mess from lying on the couch pillow.

Please don't say anything. Not today.

Then his mouth stretched into my favorite grin. He held out his arms. "Sam. Come here."

I smiled and ran over to the couch, climbing into his lap. He winced as he sat up and kissed me on the mouth. Kissing Nikki. Now that was something that atoned for everything I've had to do. After he pulled away, Nikki pressed his forehead to mine.

"You have it?" He asked, his mouth still smiling, but his eyes were a little desperate.

"Yes, baby," I said, getting off of his lap. "I'll get everything ready."

I rushed into the bathroom, grabbing a cotton ball out of the the bag, a cotton swab, and a bottle of rubbing alcohol out from the cabinet.

"I've got the rig." Nikki said from the living room.

I walked back into the living room and handed him the cotton swab I'd dipped in the rubbing alcohol. Nikki swiped it over a spoon, grabbed the bag of smack and dropped a chunk on the spoon before crushing it and diluting it with water. Then we added vitamin C powder. Ugh, it was a long, tedious process.

My insides jumped with anticipation as he held a lighter underneath the spoon, making the tar turn liquid. Then I dropped a corner of an alcohol swab on the spoon, filled up the rig and asked Nikki for his arm.

"No, you first," he said, trying to take the rig from me. I moved my arm back.

"Careful, I got a needle here," I laughed. "I want you to go first. You've been without longer."

He made a face and said, "Just shoot it, Sam."

I giggled and handed him the rig. He tapped the side and got rid of the air bubbles, his eyebrows furrowed over concentrated eyes. I watched his movements as I held out my arm to him.

Then he bent over and inserted the needle into my vein. After a few seconds, I closed my eyes and inhaled as the euphoria washed over me. As my subsistence was finally granted to me. I felt myself going heavy, like I was sinking in quicksand.

I looked up at Nikki and he smiled slightly. His eyes looked like they were sparkling.

Then he gathered himself some smack, diluted it, and held his lighter underneath the spoon. He was shaking.

He pushed the needle into his own arm and asked me, "How did you get this?"

"Laurie's friend," I said casually and strolled into the kitchen to throw the rig away.

He just kind of sat there, sinking into a drug-induced stupor. Gratefully not fully aware of what was going on anymore. I was glad he didn't push it.

Smiling and changing the subject before he could push it, I said, "I'm going to take a shower." I needed to get the smell of other men off me.

"'Kay, I'll be waiting," Nikki smirked and stretched out on the couch, moving his hands behind his head.

I twirled out of the room—my mood completely contradictory to how it was when I first came in—and into the bathroom. Then I took off all of my clothes and stood in front of the mirror.

My tiny, pale body was covered in bruises. Some where from clumsiness (some drug-induced, some not) and others were from overenthusiastic customers. There were hickeys around the circles of my nipples. I couldn't remember exactly where those came from. I may have blocked it out.

My shoulder-length hair needed to be dyed again; the roots were coming out. It was a bleach blonde naturally, but there were so many blondes on the Strip I might as well stick out.

Sighing, I walked over to the shower and bent over to turn it on. Then the door opened and I turned my head.

Nikki was standing in the doorway, completely naked.

"I changed my mind. I don't want to wait," Nikki said, grinning, and he followed me into the shower.


	4. EVEN YOU CANNOT RESIST HER

CHAPTER 4: EVEN YOU CANNOT RESIST HER

I stood under the stream, wetting my hair and closing my eyes.

Nikki pulled my hair away from my shoulder and kissed the side of my neck.

I sighed at the feel of his warm lips against my flesh. Then they were gone and I turned around.

Nikki picked up the shampoo off the ledge and I held out my hand.

"I want to do it," he said and poured it into his palm.

I smiled. "I feel so pampered."

Nikki laughed and massaged the goo into my hair.

"That feels good," I sighed.

"Good," he said and cupped his hand over my eyes as I washed my hair out.

Next, Nikki grabbed the soap and worked it between his hands before rubbing it onto my back and between my shoulder blades.

I closed my eyes and let my head fall to my shoulder.

Then he took me by the shoulders and turned me around, his eyes bright. He moved his hands over my collarbone and skipped my chest, rubbing my stomach in a teasing manner.

"You did that on purpose," I pouted and he laughed.

"Did what?" He asked innocently and knelt down to get my thighs and legs.

"You know," I said.

He stood again, still looking completely guiltless.

"Did I miss a spot?" He asked me, his fingertips tickling up my thigh.

"You know you did," I said and smiled.

Still teasing, he lightly brushed his lips against mine.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked up at him.

"I missed you, too," I whispered.

He smiled, dropping gentle kisses on my jaw line. The corners of my mouth. The tip of my nose.

I touched his face, tracing the outline of his lips, the perfect ridge of his nose. His skin was hot like mine. His cheeks flushed pink from the drugs and the heat.

Nikki looked down, touching his fingertip to a bruise on my breast. His face went dark. "What's this?"

Then the door burst open and I screamed.

"Oh my God!" Nikki's band-mate and our house-mate, Tommy yelled and covered his face.

Nikki yanked the towel off the rack, trying to cover the both of us up.

"What're you doing in here?!"

"I had to get something! God, I thought it was just you in here!"

Tommy exclaimed, and still covering his face, stumbled out of the room.

I turned off the water and glared at Nikki. "Why is he here? He wasn't supposed to be back until tomorrow."

Nikki shrugged and wrapped the towel around my chest. "I guess he came back early."

"No, this is not happening." I went to stomp my foot and slipped. Nikki grabbed onto my arm, steadying me, before pursing his lips.

"Don't laugh," I said, and then the both of us started laughing.

Everything is funny when you're high.

"I'm gonna see what's going on with him," I said once we both got quiet again.

"Like that?" Nikki asked, gesturing to my unusual attire, hence, a towel.

"I don't really care," I said and stepped out of the shower. "And don't get dressed. I'm not done with you yet."

Nikki smirked and wrapped a towel around his waist before stepping out of the shower as well. "I guess I'll be waiting in the bedroom, then."

I winked. "Sounds perfect."

Then I walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen where I could hear the fridge opening.

Tommy drinking out of the milk jug again.

"Tommy," I said.

Tommy whirled around, his back to me. He thrust his palm out to block me from his sight. "Gross! I can't even look at you right now."

I ignored the comment and crossed my arms. "Why are you back? I thought you were staying at Honey's?."

Tommy turned to the fridge, putting the milk jug back inside. His face was blank. "We broke up."

I suddenly felt horrible. "Oh, why?" I wanted to go up to him and comfort him, but I doubted he wanted me anywhere near him after he walked in on me and Nikki.

"She told me she liked someone else." Jimmy said, still looking at the fridge instead of me. "But it's whatever."

We both just stood there in silence for a moment. Now how was I supposed to kick him out when I felt bad for him?

"Tommy..." I started, not sure how to go about it. I hugged the towel around myself tighter and stared at the floor.

"You want me to go so Nikki can get it in, don't you?" Tommy rolled his eyes.

I scowled at his choice of words. "I haven't seen him and this is our house."

Tommy put his hands up like he was surrendering and laughs. "I get it. I get it. I was going to stay at my friend's house for a few days anyway."

"Why?"

Jimmy gestured to the fridge. "There's no food here."

I shrugged and asked, "When are you going?"

He gave me a look. "Let me guess, you want me to leave now."

"I'll pay you," I offered guiltily.

"Ugh, it's fine. I know you guys are going to do it anyway and I'd rather not be here for it." He walked into the living room and out the front door. "See ya."

"See ya," I said softly and smiled to myself.

Finally.

I walked down the hallway and opened the bedroom door, letting my towel drop to the wooden floor beneath me. In the bedroom, Nikki was curled up on our large bed.

Asleep.


	5. MY NAME IS NEVER WAS MY NAME'S FORGOTEEN

CHAPTER 5: MY NAME IS NEVER WAS, MY NAME'S FORGOTTEN

Two years ago...

August 1984

"Samantha!"

I turned over on the couch and pulled the quilt up over my head, keeping my eyes squeezed shut. I'd been feeling unmotivated lately. Now wasn't an exception.

"Samie, come on. As the girl who is solely responsible from keeping you off the streets, I want you to go to a party with me."

Immediately, I threw the quilt off of myself and popped up off of the couch. Pamela, my stripper roommate, would always use that as an excuse, but I would be forever in debt to her.

I was a loser. I ran away from home to make something of my life and become a rockstar, but ended up sleeping in alleyways, starving to death.

No job. No money. No one would hire a eighteen-year-old without a vehicle.

Pam, being the saint she is, found me. She did not hesitate to take me in. She told me she was in the same situation once and couldn't bear to allow me to suffer.

So in return, I did everything she wanted. Even though I was nervous as hell. I'd never been invited to a party before. I was an outcast in school and the after parties after my gigs bored me.

Pam smiled at my eagerness and said, "Come on. I'll pick out some clothes for you and do your makeup."

She took my hand and led me through her bedroom to her closet, pulling out a skimpy outfit consisting of a black tube top and a short red skirt.

"Get undressed. I have shoes too." Pam dropped to the floor, searching underneath her bed for a pair of shoes for me.

I pulled my t-shirt off over my head and tossed it on her bed. Then I stepped out of my sweatpants and threw those beside my shirt.

Pam pulled out a pair of red heels and sat them in front of me. "You're going to look amazing," she said excitedly and walked into the bathroom.

Then I slid on the skirt, which barely concealed my butt, and put on the tube top. My belly button was showing.

Pam walked out and sized me up. "You're not supposed to wear a bra with that."

Blushing, I unfastened the back and took my bra off.

"Perfect!" Pam gushed and stepped behind me, rubbing something cold and foamy in my hair.

"What is that?" I asked.

"Mousse."

The sweet smell of it filled my nostrils and I moaned, "Mmmm."

I couldn't remember the last time I'd done my hair and makeup. I think it was for my dad's coworker's funeral...a four and a half ago.

Then she was in front of me and told me to close my eyes. I did and felt bristles brushing over my eyelids.

"This will bring out the blue in your eyes," I heard her say.

She drew something across my lips and told me to smack them together. I did audibly and rolled my lips to spread it around.

I opened my eyes to see Pam grinning widely at me. "You're all ready."

Then I stepped into the red pumps, wobbling slightly.

"Who's throwing the party?" I asked.

"My boss," Sandy said leading me out the door. "Eric."

We stopped in the parking lot of an apartment duplex. It looked a little rundown.

"I'm kind of nervous," I admitted as Pam put the car into park.

"Why?" She asked me, her eyebrows furrowed in concern.

My face was sheepish. "I've never been to a party before." I looked down at my painted toenails, feeling naïve and embarrassed.

Pam smiled sympathetically. "I promise that after a few minutes you'll be fine. There's something there that I want you to try."

I swallowed and followed her once she got out of the car. Inside, we got into the elevator and ascended five floors and once we were outside her boss's door, I could hear music and smell smoke.

Pam knocked and a minute went by before someone finally opened the door. He was a handsome man with black hair.

"Hey babe," he said and gave Pam a kiss directly on the lips. Then his gaze hit me and I looked away.

"Who's this?" The man asked, gesturing to me. "Stripper friend?"

"No, silly," Pam said nonchalantly. "This is my friend and roommate, Samie."

"Oh," The man said and held out his hand to me. "I'm Eric."

I shook his hand. "Nice to meet you. I'm Sam."

Eric smiled at Pam and opened the door all of the way. "Come on in."

I followed Pam inside and was hit with a murky cloud of smoke as soon as I stepped through the door. My throat tickled and I resisted the urge to cough as I ascertained my surroundings.

There was a leather couch with four people sitting on it: A pretty woman with long blonde hair and a gap in her teeth, a dark man with a tattoo of a shield on his shoulder, a woman with curly red hair and a boy.

The boy had his arms crossed in a completely unapproachable manner.

"How old is she?" Eric asked Pam.

"Twenty one," Pam answered casually and Eric stared at me for a moment before seeming to believe her.

"Cool," Eric finally said. "Nikki just turned twenty six."

At the mentioning of his name, the boy looked over, his eyes flashing to my face for a moment.

Then the boy's eyes slid away with disinterest.

I forced myself to tear my gaze away and back to Eric.

"Want some smack? Everybody else is already high as fuck," Eric said to Pam.

"Hell yes," she replied, looking excited. "And so does Mollie."

I glanced at her, confused.

"Relax, you'll like it," She placated.

I began to wring my hands a little bit. "What is it?"

"You don't know what smack is?"

Eric asked me and I shook my head.

Eric grinned. "Great." And he turned to everybody on the couch. "Everybody, this young lady here is going to try smack for the first time."

The man with the tattoo hooted and the girl clapped. Pam smiled at me and gave me a reassuring pat on the back before leading me to a recliner and leaving the room with Eric.

The man with the tattoo said, "Don't worry about it," and I nodded. All of the reassurances seemed to have an adverse effect on me.

The blonde girl whispered to the man with the tattoo rather conspicuously, "Looks like a virgin to me," and laughed.

My cheeks burned and a lump rose in my throat. I didn't want to be there anymore. I was seriously debating whether or not I should bolt for the door.

To my relief, Eric and Pam emerged from the hallway. Eric was holding a needle filled with a strange dark liquid inside.

I swallowed.

Pam knelt beside me and smiled. "Relax, Sam. It'll feel great. I just had some."

"Come on," Eric said. "Hang with us."

My eyes hit each and every one of their faces and lingered on Nikki's, who was staring at me with subdued curiosity.

What did I have to lose?

I took a breath and held out my arm. "Okay."


	6. DO WANNA RIDE ON MY DEATH MACHINE?

CHAPTER 6: DO YOU WANNA RIDE, ON MY DEATH MACHINE?

"Atta girl," Eric said and stepped over to me. He crouched over my arm and I winced when I felt the painful sting of the needle entering my skin. Pam held my hand as Eric pushed the smack into my veins. Then he took it out and everyone was staring at me like I had three heads.

"Well?" Pam asked, giving my hand a squeeze. "How do you feel?"

After a few moments, I did feel something. "Sick."

I clamped my hand over my mouth and leaned forward, preparing to vomit on the floor because I was too weak to get up. Eric took off down the hallway. "Hold on! Not my carpet!"

I kept it down long enough for Eric to get a trashcan. As soon as it was handed to me, I was violently vomiting inside.

"Oh shit," The man with the tattoo said.

I stared into the trashcan, not quite having the dignity to pick up my head just yet. I felt someone lift my hair away from my face.

"That was a fucking stupid idea to let her do that," The voice of the person holding my hair said. I didn't recognize it, so I realized it was the only voice I hadn't heard.

It was Nikki.

"Well, at least she got her first time over with," Eric said. "It only gets better from here."

After a few minutes, I did begin to feel better, so I picked up my head, not really conscientious of everyone staring at me anymore.

"Are you finished?" Nikki had ducked down to me, his face close and scrutinizing mine. I was surprised that I wasn't hyperventilating like I would in any other situation that included a guy in close proximity to me. Weirdly enough, I was calm.

I nodded and Nikki took the trash can away.

"I think I just want to wash out my mouth," I said and stood from the chair. My vision swayed and it was then I realized just how high I really was. And it was also when I realized that I found this exciting.

"You gonna be okay?" Pam asked me as I walked over to the kitchen sink and turned it on.

"Just fine," I said and cupped some water into my mouth, spitting it out afterward and turning off the sink.

"Hey, uh, Samantha, right?" Nikki asked, stepping behind me.

I turned around and looked up at him. "Yep. And, you're..." I pretended to think about it for a moment. "...Nikki, right?"

He chuckled, avoiding my gaze. "Yeah. Can I talk to you for a second?"

I stared at his face...perhaps too long to be socially acceptable. "Uh, sure."

"Uh-oh," the blonde girl said like I was about to get scolded by my mother.

Nikki crossed the living room and opened the front door. I watched him suspiciously as I stepped out and he shut the door behind him.

"Why did you take me out here?" I asked.

"I didn't want to embarrass you," he replied, deadpan.

I shifted and wrung my hands, trying to run through thousands of possible humiliating situations in my head.

"Uh, okay? Why?"

He pursued his lips. "You should leave."

I just stared at him for a few seconds before I crossed my arms and scowled at him. I barely knew this guy and here he was, telling me what I should and shouldn't do.

"Wow, you're blunt."

He smirked. "Yeah, I've been told."

"And what's your reason behind telling me this?"

His smile faded. "You don't belong here. You don't belong with these people."

"Who says?"

"Me, obviously."

"Well, you don't know anything about me. So your argument is invalid."

He smiled again. A mischievous, naughty smile. "Who said I was arguing with you?"

I spluttered incoherently for a moment. Instead of trying to come up with a good response like a normal person, I decided to try to get past him and open the door. He stepped in front of me.

"Move," I growled.

"No," he said.

I reached for the doorknob but he grasped it before I could. My hand ended up landing on his.

Ignoring the intimacy, I said. "Let me open the door."

He didn't.

Glowering at him, I stomped forward. "Let me in. This is so childish."

"You're the one that's stomping around like a three-year-old," he pointed out.

I narrowed my eyes and tried to get in between his body and the door. Somewhere in the tangle, I lost my footing and fell.

I dropped on the carpet, laying supine. "Ow..."

Nikki knelt down, his teasing expression becoming worried. "You okay?"

"No," I whimpered, and then once his guard was completely down, I jumped up and lunged for the door.

He laughed in surprise and tackled me to the carpet. We wrestled around childishly for a moments before he pinned each of my arms on either side of my head and straddled me so I couldn't get up. We laughed for a moment, both breathless, before the humor completely dissipated and cognizance set in.

I gazed at him as he hovered over me: At the constant pull between his eyebrows. As if he was always brooding about something. He seemed to do that a lot.

My gaze lowered to his eyes.

Despite the smokescreen the smack created, I was suddenly very aware of Nikki's body touching mine.

My gaze dropped even lower to his lips.

To my surprise, I wanted him to kiss me.

Suddenly, Nikki frowned and rolled off me.

"You're strange." He didn't say it in a mean way, though. It was almost...appreciative.

"Yeah, I've been told," I borrowed his words. I sat up, smiling at him and trying to smooth down my hair.

He reached forward and messed it up again.

"Thanks," I said dryly.

He looked over at me once more―he seemed warier now―before he popped up and held out his hand to me.

"You have nice hands," I accidentally blurted when I took it.

He laughed and led me to the door to the apartment, opening it. Yes, I'm in!

"Where'd you guys go?" Eric asked.

"Oh, I just had to tell her something," Nikki replied.

Eric and Pam were sitting on the loveseat. They glanced at each other with skeptical faces. Vaguely, I wondered what they could possibly be thinking.

I took my place beside Eric and Pam.

Across from us, Nikki sat down on the same couch he was on when I arrived. He was beside blondie.

He pulled out a cigarette packet from his pocket and took one out before raising it to his mouth and lighting up. He didn't know I was watching him. Or maybe he did and didn't care.

I felt drawn to him, and I was trying to figure out why.

It was strange, I just got this boy. I couldn't say how, but I understood him.

The blonde girl tapped him and started talking to him. I could tell he was trying to be nice. Trying to seem interested in what she had to say, but I could also tell by the way he kept losing eye contact with her that he really wanted her to stop talking. Maybe there was a reason for the way he acted.

"What's wrong with him?" I asked no one in particular.

"Who? Nikki?" Eric asked me from the other end of the loveseat. He had his feet propped up on Pam's lap. She didn't seem to mind. I dimly wondered if there was anything going on between them. Or if there had ever been anything in the past. They sure seemed...comfortable.

I nodded to what Eric had asked and my eyes slipped back into Nikki's direction. He was flicking cigarette ashes off of his jeans.

"Oh, he's always in a shitty mood," Eric said. "But this time I think it's because him and his girlfriend broke up or something like that."

I nodded again, trying to ignore the involuntary fluttering of my heart when I realized that he was "available." Though, it seemed he was probably still recovering from the break-up.

After thinking it over for a moment, I surmised with crippling disappointment that he probably wouldn't go for someone like me anyway. Young, ugly, and stupid.

"Why?" Eric suddenly asked me. His face was entertained.

I turned my head to him, frowning. "Why what?"

"Why do you want to know?" Eric pressed.

I shrugged with pretend apathy and stared down at my toenails again.

"He's cute," Pam stated, touching my arm. "You should go talk to him."

I glared at her, hissing, "Pam, he's twenty six."

Pam just laughed and shrugged. "So?"

This was a very stupid. It wasn't age that was holding me back, it was just me. Everyone here could tell I didn't have a chance with Nikki. There was no point in lying about it.

"Go!" Pam whispered and pushed me off the couch.

I stumbled forward, recovered, and approached the other couch across the living room.

"Can I sit here?" I asked blondie, smiling sweetly.

"Sure," she said, grinning. Her smile seemed a bit phony. She didn't like me.

She scooted over and I sat in between her and Nikki. It was a tight squeeze because now there were five people on the couch. I was practically in Nikki's lap.

Out of my peripherals, I saw him glance at me and quickly look away.

I gnawed on my bottom lip, sitting there awkwardly.

Say something!

"Are you bored?" I asked him.

Nikki turned his head to me, raising his eyebrows with slight surprise. "Hm?"

"Are you bored?" I repeated.

He laughed nervously before taking another drag. "Yeah."

"Well," I started. "Do you want to...talk to me?" I smiled, scrutinizing his face for his reaction. I felt I sounded very awkward. I wasn't very experienced with talking to boys.

One of the corners of his mouth lifted slightly.

"You think I'm funny at least," I said, eager to please him. "I can be your entertainment."

Nikki scratched the back of his head with the hand holding the cigarette. I wondered if he was going to catch the back of his hair on fire.

His face was amused. "Okay. Do something entertaining." He lifted his cigarette to his lips again.

I snatched the cigarette out of his mouth and held it to my own lips.

I inhaled. I'd never had a cigarette before. My throat felt as if it were being barbecued.

I blew out the smoke and straightened my posture to look poised and sophisticated. Then I looked at him underneath my lashes and asked, "Who am I?"

He raised an eyebrow at me. "I dunno?"

"I'm Audrey Hepburn!" I exclaimed, grinning.

He stared at me strangely for a moment before—to my surprise—he burst out laughing.

"That doesn't make any sense!" He cried.

I narrowed my eyes playfully. "How does that not make sense?"

"Because!" He exclaimed, still laughing at me. "Just because you're smoking a cigarette doesn't make you Audrey Hepburn."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, fine, let me try again." I handed him back his cigarette and tried my best to emphasize my right eye.

Then I said with an accent, "Hello my droogie."

"Oh god," he laughed.

I lowered my hands, laughing. "So, you know who it is?"

"Of course," he said.

"Who, then?"

He rolled his eyes. "Alex from A Clockwork Orange."

"Right!" I exclaimed. "You know, I want to be an actress, but when I was twelve I decided to be a rockstar."

"I didn't know actually," Nikki said sarcastically and I glared at him. Smart-ass.

Then he grinned. His smile was angelic. Deceptively angelic. He added, "That would be good for you, though. And really, can you play guitar?"

"Good answer," I said. "And yes"

"Can you play it well?"

I laughed and nodded again. "Yeah. A Fender Mustang, Jaguar, and Jazzmaster."

"Rad!" Nikki exclaimed.

"Boy, are you guys flirting!" The blonde girl suddenly exclaimed and wiggled my shoulder.

I glared at her, flushing slightly. "No, we're not. Haven't you ever heard of casual conversation?"

"Doesn't sound like it to me," she teased, smirking.

"Well, you must be hearing things wrong," I mumbled and turned back around.

Nikki was gone.

My heart sank. Thanks a lot bitch, I thought.

I scanned the living room, trying not to look as rejected as I felt. Everyone on the couch beside me was watching a rap video on the infinitesimal television beside the front door. Pam and Eric were still on the loveseat against the wall across the room, talking to each other.

Nikki was out of sight.

I ran my hand through my hair and stood, not really sure where to go.

"Where are you going?" Eric asked.

Sandy's face fell when she saw my about-to-cry expression.

"Um, is it okay if I use your bathroom?" I asked Eric.

"Yeah, course," he said. "It's down the hallway on your right." He pointed in the direction.

The apartment wasn't big so I found it funny that he felt the need to give me directions. Though, I definitely wasn't in the laughing mood.

"Thanks," I mumbled and started off down the hallway. There were only two doors. I tried the one closest and was right.

Inside was a taupe, unkempt bathroom. It had the necessities and that was about it. Except there was a razor and toothbrush on the sink.  
I shut the door behind me. I didn't really have to go to the bathroom, I just needed a moment to compose myself. I never paid attention to boys much, so I wasn't used to this type of humiliation. It hurt.

I turned on the sink and splashed cold water in my face. Then I remembered I had make-up on.

"Crap," I muttered and picked up my head to look at myself in the mirror.

My mascara had run down my cheeks. I swiped it off and wiped the lipstick off my lips with the back of my hand. I didn't care anymore.

Then I turned off the sink and opened the bathroom door. There was a clapping sound coming from the living room.

Curious, I enter.

Eric was standing on top of a table and speaking. "Ok, so everybody get in a big circle. Ah, Sam that means you too."

Making a face, I quietly approached the large circle of people.

"What are we doing?" I asked.

"We are playing truth-or-dare," Pam said gleefully.

"Oh," I said and.

I found Nikki, but he was unfortunately talking to some other blonde. Crushed, I take a seat down next to Eric and Pam.

"Ok, so who wants to go first?" Eric asked, his eyes looking through everyone.

"Nobody? Ok, um…Bridgette!" The blonde next to Nikki head snapped up. She was fairly beautiful and had a good rack. Figures.

"You go first."

Blondie nodded and skimmed through everyone before her eyes landed on me.

"You…um, Sam? I dare you to…," I saw her smirk deviously. "I dare you to dance naked on top of the table.

My stomach shot up to my throat and I became paralyzed. I wanted to back out so badly but I knew how the game worked. I walked over to the table in complete silence, feeling rather uncomfortable with everybody's eyes on me.

Pam helped me onto the table. Trembling slightly, I pulled my shirt over my head and got a few wolf whistles from guys who were horny or just being rude. I tossed the shirt to Pam. I slowly stripped off my skirt and high heels and handed those to her too. I had never felt so exposed to such a large group of people like this.

It was terrifying.

"Uh, that means underwater off too," Bridgette said.

Hesitantly, I pull those off too. I realized how thin my body was at that moment and felt very self conscious.

"Ok blondie, start dancing for us."

I reluctantly obliged and began to move my hips in small circles. Then, I started to move my hands and body at the same rhythm and dance in circles. I continue to dance to the imaginary beat and people begin to clap along with me. It didn't feel as embarrassing after a few minutes. In fact, I was really getting into it.

"Ok, that's enough." I step down from the table and put my clothes on in complete silence.

I sit back down besides Pam and Eric wondering what else could happen. But more impotantly, how did Nikki think of me while I was dancing? Did he even watch, or did he have his eyes fixed on some other girl?

"Ok…Jeff, your turn." A rather tall man looked over when his name was mentioned.

"What?" Bridgette rolled her eyes.

"It's your turn to dare someone, idiot."

Jeff blushes slightly and skims through everyone the way Bridgette did and his eyes land on Nikki.

"Nikki, you've been very quiet tonight. So how 'bout some fun. I dare you to…fuck that girl, Sam." Both of our eyes widen with fear and surprise.

"Woah Jeff! That's going way too far," Pam yelled.

Eric was laughing though. "Oh, come on Pam, Nikki obviously wants to do it. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her while she was dancing."

I look over to Nikki. His head was down, trying to hide his deep blush from being caught. I actually kind of found it cute the way he was blushing.

"No. No, no, no! She's not doing it. In fact, we're leaving. Come on Sam," Pam said tugging at my wrist.

I looked over to Nikki. He seems a little disappointed and sort of sad to watch me leave. His bright green eyes suddenly turned a sad shade of gray.

I couldn't just leave him like that, could I?

I yank my wrist away from Pam's death grip and run over to Nikki. I sit on his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. I was feeling oddly bold. Maybe it was the smack? Lust? I don't know, I don't care.

"Sam! You aren't really going to do this…are you?" I looked over to Nikki's face. He had on this 'it's your choice' face.

I nod without looking away from him. "Yeah, I'm sure."

Eric smirked and walked over to us. "Well, if you guys are planning on getting it on the you're going to need a room so…" Eric gestured over to his bedroom.

Nikki and I looked at each other and slowly get up. As we walk over to the bedroom everyone in the living room begins to clap, shout, and whistle.

Was this really such a big deal?

Nikki closed and locked the door behind us, and I stand awkwardly near the bed. Nikki approaches me hesitantly and rubs the back of his neck nervously.

"You know, you don't have to do this if you don't want to. I'll be fine if you just want to get out of here." I shake my head.

"No, I want to. Really, I'll be fine. It's not as if I never had sex before." Nikki mouths an 'Oh' and takes a seat on the bed.

"So do you wanna just…talk for awhile? I mean unless you just want to get this over with."

I shuffle my feet and just nod.

Nikki smiles at my shyness. "Would you care to sit with me?" Nikki asked. He patted the bed beside him.

My head was screaming "YES, YOU MOODY BASTARD!" and my inner-girl was doing back-flips.

But my outside-self said nonchalantly, "Sure."

I walked over to the bed and sat down beside him, keeping a safe distance. I wasn't sure what to say without being intrusive, so I stared at my hands.

I felt his thumb sweep over my cheek and my eyes widened involuntarily.

"You look better without makeup," he murmured. I could tell he wasn't trying to hit on me. He was just observing and making small talk.

"Thanks," I mumbled. "I guess."

He brushed his thumb over my lower lip and laughed. "It's a compliment."

"Better be," I said, playfully glaring at him.

"Or what?" He challenged, grinning impishly. "Will you do me like you did the door?"

"Ouch," I said sarcastically and gave him a playful shove.

He over-dramatized his fall and plopped back on the pillows, pulling up his feet from the floor. Then he looked underneath him and pinched the ugly, duck printed quilt between his fingers. "This sort of creeps me out."

"More than laying on Eric's bed?" I asked.

He laughed and let the quilt go, smoothing it down. "Better keep this on."

"Yeah," I agreed.

Nikki stared at me for a moment before asking, "Do you want to lay down, too? Not trying to be weird..."

I flopped down beside him before he could even finish his sentence. I grinned cheekily and rolled over to face him.

"...or anything, but I'm usually tired when I'm high, so I figured you would be too," he finished, smiling at my eagerness.

"Did you love her? Your ex?" I accidentally blurted. Smack didn't seem to censor my thoughts in the slightest.

He didn't seem offended. "I don't think so," he said. "I think I was just used to her being there."

"Have you ever been in love?" I asked, my irrational hope rising.

"No," he said without hesitation. "Have you?"

"No. I've never had a boyfriend, either. All the boys thought I was too loud or a freak," I said and bit my lip to keep myself from exposing more unappealing things about myself.

Nikki's eyebrows furrowed. "That's weird."

Ouch.

"I didn't mean it that way," Nikki said frantically.

His finger hooked underneath my chin and tilted my head up. I looked into his eyes and saw a kindness there that I didn't see in most people.

"I meant that I think you seem really cool," he continued, smiling slightly. "I don't understand why a guy wouldn't want to go out with you."

I took a deep breath and moved closer to him.

Come on, do it. You'll have to eventually.

With even more boldness I'd ever experienced before, I closed my eyes and pressed my lips against his very softly. I'd never kissed anyone before...on my own volition, and I wasn't sure if I was doing a good job because he didn't seem to be reacting.

Embarrassed because of my blatant novice status, I began to pull away.

He didn't let me.

Something stirred inside of me when I felt him respond, his lips moving tenderly against mine. They were warm and lush and lazy.

His hand curled around the back of my neck beneath the long curtain of my hair. Nikki's chin rubbed against my chin as he urged my jaw open with his own. Tentatively, I slipped my tongue into his mouth and was not surprised that he tasted as good as he smelled.

At the feel, the taste of him, I was beginning to feel tingles in a strange place.

In the back of my mind, I hoped I was making it clear what I wanted.


	7. ANGEL DUST AND MY DRESS JUST COME UNDONE

CHAPTER 7: ANGEL DUST AND MY DRESS JUST COME UNDONE

A/N: Okay, here's the dealio. This chapter is all sex. I put up another chapter just in case you're under eighteen or just not interested in sex scenes, so go ahead to Chapter 8, you only miss like two sentences.

My hazy thoughts were not coherent, they were so consumed with want.

My hands came up to clutch his hair and I felt his hand on my waist. I was surprised that I was getting the into this so quickly. Instinctual, perhaps.

When Nikki pulled away, I locked my arms around his neck, still wanting more.

"Are you sure?" Nikki asked as he continued to scrutinize my expression for doubt.

I nodded breathlessly and moved over top of him, touching his cheek. "Yeah, I'm sure. "

One of the corners of his mouth turned up slightly. There was no more stage-fright for me. No more insecurity. Just want.

I leaned forward and into his slightly surprised face. I moved my lips over his, deeply, tenderly, in perfect synchronization. I let my tongue glide over his lower lip, fully appreciating its softness. I felt his hands scale down to my thighs. My skin was hot there. Then his hands ascended to my ribs and tentatively inched between our bodies to clutch my breasts.

I made a small sound against his lips.

He froze and pulled away, his eyes flitting over my face. "Okay?"

"Yeah," I said breathlessly and smoothed my hands over his, helping him slip my tube top over my head. I was on top of him, half-naked now, but not feeling really exposed like I thought I would. He brought his hand to my breast, gently tracing my nipple with his fingertips, making them peak in response. I made another sound as anticipation consumed my every thought.

It took me a moment to register the sound was a moan.

I would have never thought I would react this way during sex. Or at all.

Maybe it was because I had never wanted someone so badly in my life. Or maybe it was because I never had sex in which I was actually offered a choice. Despite the obvious reasons―attraction―I knew that couldn't be the only factor.

I reached down and inched his t-shirt up his abdomen. The shirt said something, but the letters were blurred together illegibly. I didn't try to decipher the words because my attention was almost immediately drawn to his exposed body. Flawless, ivory skin. Moderately-haired pathway from his belly button to underneath his jeans. An inviting v-shaped angle leading to the concealed area beneath his jeans. At the sight, heat raced over my body.

I felt like my fingers might have been shaking when I touched his skin. Gingerly, I brushed my hand up his abdomen, and pushed his shirt farther up. He helped me take it off of him and then we were both partially exposed.

I leaned towards him and we began to kiss again. This time, we were not as sweet about it. Our lips were hot and moving more feverishly against each others, our tongues dipping into each others mouths. I felt his hand slip between us, caressing over my stomach and then my heart was no longer behind my ribcage, it was everywhere. In a sensitive spot exclusively.

He stopped, unsure because he thought I was.

I wasn't.

My breath trembled against his mouth as I reached between our bodies and took his hand. I led it to the heat between my legs, where he began to move over an exceptionally sensitive spot.

Sensations I'd never experienced that were this good before swept over me, the intensity catching me off guard. Another moan escaped my lips as his mouth moved over my jawline.

Then his hand slipped into the fabric of my underwear and his finger began to move in and out of me.

I cried softly as the beautiful feeling began to take over. This feeling that was building and building. It made my legs weaken. It made heat spread through my body like a wildfire.

I moved my hips to increase the friction and felt he was very hard underneath me, straining against his jeans.

Nikki withdrew his finger and pulled my underwear down. I had to shift around awkwardly to get it all the way off. It was almost funny, but neither of us were really focused on the humor of it at the moment.

Then he reached down for the button of his jeans and I laid my hands over his in a gesture that said I would do it. His breath faltered as I unfastened his jeans and eased them down his legs. Once I moved back up, I kept my face casual as I pulled down his boxers too. I tried not to stare but I found my gaze zeroing in on him.

I had never seen this part of a guy before—other than what my friends have showed me in their parents magazines, but never this up close and personal.

Nikki reached up, brushed my hair away from my face, and smiled in a sort of consoling manner. I returned his slight smile and took him in my hand, his sharp intake of breath making me eager. Then, my blood racing hot, I moved over him and positioned him to be inside me.

He suddenly said something about a condom, which I didn't even think about before.

Nikki didn't have one, but he figured Eric did as he raided his drawer.

He did. At least 20.

After we got that cleared up, he murmured, "Do whatever pace you'd like."

Holding my breath, I eased down onto him to allow my body to adjust to him. It felt good and a little strange to have him fully in me.

He audited my reaction with concern. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I said and moved down completely, holding back a moan.

He held onto my hips and I began to rock tentatively, the feeling of his fullness pulling me farther away from reality than the smack already had.

I moved faster and a whole other feeling arose. Pleasure hit me in immense waves, my body trembling with each one.

I'd never wanted this before. When I thought of sex before this, I thought of the physical act of it. Nothing else.

But with Nikki, I realized wanted to be connected with him in every way possible. Close to him in every way. I wanted him to be mine. And at the moment, this was the only way I could claim him. I had the feeling this would be a one time thing and it wouldn't last forever, so I was trying to savor my time.

I closed my eyes and braced my hands on his chest, mentally drifting as I rocked. His breaths, ragged and panting, were getting me closer to the unexplored end.

I began to tremble and move more frantically as it became unbearable.

It reached a peak and my toes curled up, my skin perspired, my heartbeat was a tattoo, and a hot flush spread against my chest. A strange dropping feeling started low in my belly and spread all over my body. As if I were on a roller-coaster.

My vision was blurring as I rode it out, my body still clenching around him. Then Nikki's breathing sped and he gripped my hips tighter before he finished too.

I rolled off of him and buried my head underneath his neck, trying to catch my breath. We were both still trembling.

Just holding him felt nice too.

He looked over at me, his eyebrows rising slightly. His lips were twitching, hindering a smile. "You had an orgasm. That's pretty impressive since you're high."

"I know, it's strange..." I breathed.

I didn't know I could enjoy sex this much. I mean, I knew the process of it, and honestly, it sort of disgusted me. The strange positions, the noises, the sweat, the stickiness.

I hadn't realized until now that I was mistaken. It wasn't disgusting. It just depended on what you made of it and who you were with. It was corny, but true.

As I watched Nikki, despite my influenced state, I realized there was indeed a difference between "fucking" and "making love". I wasn't sure what it meant to him, but it wasn't "fucking" to me.

Maybe I was too young to think that way. Maybe I was being melodramatic. Maybe I'd read too many romance novels. I couldn't be sure, but when I looked at his face, his eyes staring up at the ceiling, I'd come to the irrational and irrevocable conclusion that I just had to be with this boy.

It was as simple and as complicated as that. It would be difficult, maybe even unrequited. But I knew he needed someone.

When I stepped into the apartment, saw that gorgeous recluse on the couch, that was the draw I was feeling. I couldn't explain it, logically, concretely, but it was something I was certain of. I needed him. He needed someone. I wanted to be that someone.

"I'll dress you," he told me a few minutes later and slipped my underwear and skirt back up my legs. I lifted my hips so he could pull it up.

Next, he grabbed my tube top and pulled that back on me as well.

Then he grabbed his boxers and pants and put those on.

"I don't want to go out there again," I said, grinning at him as he fastened his jeans.

Nikki pulled on his shirt and said, "We don't have to." He smirked devilishly and his eyes flashed to the window.


End file.
